My son, Cole, just got his learners license which awakes all types of new emotions for both of us. I am excited by his excitement and glad that he is moving toward this new level of mobility and freedom and I am very aware of the resulting freedom Kim and I will enjoy. The role of teaching Cole to drive seems to have defaulted to me and I and that is where my confession begins.
Cole has also decided to pick up the sport of tennis and has asked me to take him to play on several occasions. Again I am excited about this opportunity to be with Cole and the chance to return to the court my self. I spent several summers teaching tennis when I was in college. I have coached Cole in everything he has ever done, but this is a completely new endeavor for him and thus a chance for me to have a fresh start.
These new adventures have caused me to reflect over my previous attempts to invest in my son and have forced me to confess that I have not done a good job. I have tried hard. In fact, I have tried so hard that it has hurt more than it has helped. Looking back I have discovered that I have been too much of a coach to Cole and not enough Dad. He doesn’t need so much instruction from me. He needs love and encouragement.
So I am admitting my failure in the past and trying to keep from making the same mistakes in these new endeavors. They present me with a clean slate to become my boy’s biggest fan and loudest voice of encouragement. It is a different way to show love than I am accustomed, but I know it’s how he can receive it from me so I am going to learn to speak a new language.
How do those you love receive love? I am discovering that if you really love someone you will take the time to learn how they need to be loved and then love them that way.
It is so hard to encourage without instructing. For some reason we are made to try and have those around us do things the way we do them. It seems to make so much sense, to pass on something to another that has workerd well for you, doesn’t it? I think the challenge is to offer your way as an option, without making the other person feel obligated to do it that way.
I have learned (and am still learning) some of these lessons with my own children, but also to others around me that I work with. It is a communication skill that needs to be developed. I have had successes and failures at it, but the successes tend to result in my getting great joy at how someone else accomplished a task or learned a skill in a way that had not occurred to me. Sometimes they do it my way, sometimes I see my way influence them, but still be uniquely theirs. The result is growth to us both.
Now to answer the question. How do those you love receive love? In different ways — every one of them. You hit upon the key Jay. You have to be intentional about knowing someone in order to be most successful in offerring what to them is love. The realy joy in that process is that people feel like you really are investing in them, and chances are they will invest back in you as well. They call that a win-win. In so many ways in my life I have come to realize that we just need to pay attention to each other and not get so lost in the tasks at hand.
My prayer for you (and for me), is that the activity or skill being learned will not be important, it is the time you spend investing in Cole that will be your joy.
Comment by Dennis Rice — March 13, 2008 @ 10:54 am |
Thanks Jay for giving us all the heads up that Cole is now on the road!
I also have failed my children and I would be surprised to find a parent that hasn’t at least once. I was very foolish when my children were infants that things would get easier as they got older. Ha! Joke was on me! Some days I would love to have my children back at the infant years when they could not talk back or wander where they were not suppose to go. However, through the past 7 years the one main thing I have learned in loving my children is “things” or “toys” do not make my children happy. These “things” will never fill their hole of love, companionship, and parental guidance that they need. I have learned the most important part in raising any child is the relationships they will encounter. A relationship with Jesus, with me, their father, and their grandparents. THESE RELATIONSHIPS AND THE TIME SPENT WITH THESE PEOPLE is what they will remember when they grow older and look back at the days they are living today.
Comment by anita — March 21, 2008 @ 9:51 am |
I like this post, Jay. I’m just reading it months later. Suzanne first broke the news that Cole had driven over to her house. I’m still in denial. Won’t be long until Summer’s rockin’ the roads either. Wow. They’ve come a long way from the back seat of my 80s Mercedes!
Comment by beth — May 19, 2008 @ 6:21 pm |